Midnight Thoughts

Timecheck: it’s 3:58am

..And I’ve been awake since 2.

We don’t usually wake up in the middle of the night but tonight’s just not my lucky night. For some reason, Jhia wants to stay latched and won’t let me put her down on bed.

Sometimes, it’s hard being a hands on mom. The little kid is used to me and me only, taking care of her. She doesn’t like staying with other people may it be her dad or the grannies. She would only play with them for a while but will soon look for me. At night, I am the only one on duty because the husband takes his rest from a day of work. It is in times like this that I often feel alone and tired and thoughts would fill my mind.

They say it’s because she’s breastfed. Breastfeeding has always been my choice. I know both me and my daughter benefits a lot from it. But You know sometimes I seem to be thinking of switching to formula milk just so I can do things other than nurse her. Of course, I won’t and will never for as long as my mammary gland can produce milk.

What’s your thoughts on this fellow moms?

Timecheck: 4:10am and the little kid is finally asleep so it’s time for me to close my eyes again.

Goodnight again.

Holy Week Reflection

Rewind to Holy Week two years ago:

It was only a few weeks after I had a miscarriage and still on the verge on confusion, I was shattered and still full of questions. There was only one thing I want for Holy Week then: peace of mind.

Losing your child – your supposed-to-be first child – indeed was one of the most heartbreaking event that happened to me. Ganun pala yun. Para akong mababaliw. I didn’t want to go out, didn’t want to talk to anybody, didn’t want hi-hello-how’s you?, didn’t want to attend church masses. I was full of questions, parang napaka incomplete ko that time. Nagpakalugmok ako sa lungkot. Gusto ko lang mapag isa.

To be honest, part of me asked God kung bakit yun nangyari saken, samen. Bakit ako, when all I wanted was to be a good mother to my child; Bakit ako? Gayung ang daming magulang na pinapabayaan ang anak nila; Bakit ako? Gayung madami dyang iba na kayang ipamaigay lang yung anak nila. E ako hindi ko yun gagawin; Bakit ako? Ano bang ginawa ko?

For quite some time, I didn’t want to go to church. Ayokong magsimba. Not that I doubted God nor is angry. I just knew I would only cry again. I was already tired of crying. And I didn’t want anybody to see how shattered I was then.

 

Holy week came. My husband was invited to share some of his experience for ┬áthe Seven Last Words sa isang simbahan. I refused to. Yes, ako talaga ang umayaw. I told him he could if he wanteed to, but I won’t go with him. Hindi pa lang talaga ako ready sa ganun, then. Ayoko din sanang mag-Station of the Cross noon, but my husband insisted. There we went and what I did was nagsindi nalang ako ng kandila. And that was the time I prayed to Jesus:

I am really sorry for throwing these questions to you, Lord, kahit na alam kong kahit anong tanong ko e hindi ko naman makukuha yung sagot. I’m sorry for not praying to you so often after what happened. You know I believe in you and your will, but maybe it’s just that I cannot bear the pain I am experiencing right now. Hindi ako nagddoubt sayo at kahit kailan hindi yung mangyayari. I know it happened for a reason – a reason I may not know now but soon will find out. And I know that better things are on the way. I am sorry Lord. I love you and I believe in you. Please let this pain end, or at least make me feel better tomorrow. Help me be prepared to face the world again.

And I talked to my little angel:

My little angel, I’m sorry we didn’t get the chance to meet. I’m sorry you wouldn’t have the chance to see this beautiful world. I’m sorry we had to part even before we could be together. But I am happy you’re one of God’s angels now. I know pinahiram ka lang sa amin. Binawi ka man nya samen too soon, alam ko na may darating pa ulit. Please watch over us, your supposed to be family on earth, and, in God’s time, yung ipagkakaloob sa amin. I love you, little angel. I will never forget you. You’ll be forever in my heart.

Fast forward to present:

Indeed, God’s time is always perfect. We now have Jhia. Maybe, she is the answer. It may have taken a little while before I could figure it out, but she is the one God has given us.

Two years ago, I really felt like pinabayaan ako ni God. Don’t get me wrong, at one point in your life, kapag lugmok at sakit na sakit ka na, maiisip at maiisip mo yon. Pero for me, what’s important is you keep your faith even after the most painful event in your life. Naalala ko yung Footprints in the Sand, palagi kong naiisip yun. During the time na isang footprint na lang yung nakikita mo, that was the time pala that the Lord is carrying you. He never left.

Lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay natin may dahilan at lahat ng tanong, may kasagutan. We only have to be patient, we need to keep our faith. Kasi kahit ano naman ang mangyari, hindi nya tayo papabayaan.

 

“God will never leave you empty. He will replace everything you lost. If he ask you to put something down, it’s because he want you to pick up something greater.”